Giving God complete authority and total control, and then submitting to that in spite of ourselves, is a monumental task for those with the strongest of faith. I recently walked through a test of faith, one in which I doubted everything I believed, and God, in His love, showed me the error of my ways.
The Test
She is a sister in Christ, and she is a warrior for God’s kingdom. She was also diagnosed with cancer months after her father passed away. We cried and we prayed for miraculous healing. We asked God to touch His beloved daughter with healing hands, to show her He was in control, and to ease the heavy burdens that life had placed on her so suddenly by demonstrating His abundant love for her.
She had the surgery, it was bigger than they thought, more surgeries and chemotherapy are to come, not to mention the stress of the inflated medical bills.
At the same time, we were praying for an aunt who went in for surgery to have a small tumor removed. It was a three-day process, from arrival to returning home. She went home four surgeries and three and a half weeks later.
Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God…”
Doubt
In the wake of all this struggle and pain for those who are close to me I considered the prayers and pleas I had lifted up to God. I recognized that God is in control, that He is sovereign over everything, even within our own freewill. Experience has taught me that God does not answer every prayer the way we want, but He does answer, even if we don’t hear it or see it. But this was different. This affected my heart.
I prayed again to God over this matter, and I asked Him if He doesn’t answer these prayers, like the Bible says He will, then how do we know for certain that He is the one who provides for all of our needs, like the Bible says He does? I considered that the path we walk in this life is coincidence and chance, under freewill, instead of freewill under His will.
God is understanding and God is love. God does not mind these questions. He invites them. But I did not only ask questions, I believed in my heart that I knew the answers, and the answers did not glorify Him. Doubt had seeped into my veins and was now pumping through my entire body. This was a heart condition, not just questions of the mind.
Wrath
I repented for that doubt and for that prayer to Him the very next morning. I asked Him to forgive me, and it was sincere, at least I thought it was. But God was going to walk me through this one, He was going to make sure I got the message and learned the lesson.
The coming Friday night to the following Sunday morning I would experience what it was like to be under the wrath of God. You may think this list of events is kind of funny, or coincidental, but I can tell you that from the first incident to the last I felt the Holy Spirit’s involvement and guidance.
- Friday night my cell phone flew from my hands and landed perfectly on the sidewalk to destroy it. As I watched the phone twist in the air and land like a pancake, I marveled at the perfection of it, and I knew there was meaning behind it.
- Saturday morning, I spent over $1,000 to replace the phone and another piece of equipment I had broken the week prior. I was seeing my financial security being wiped away.
- Upon arriving home, I found the deep freeze in the garage had stopped working. I spent the rest of my relaxing day dealing with it. We put some stuff in a neighbor’s fridge and started cooking and barbequing.
- During the impromptu a lawn chair crumbled into three pieces beneath me as I sat in it.
- The following morning, while at Sunday school, my wallet was stolen.
As I said earlier, it was the Holy Spirit who was communicating to me that these things were not coincidence, but they were from God, being dealt out with the sole intention to show me an answer to my prayer, that yes, indeed, He was and is in control. I felt it when the cell phone smacked the concrete, my heart knew it when over $1,000 left my bank account in less than 30 minutes, and I was on my knees begging for forgiveness when I found the deep freeze and all of its contents thawed out.
What I was feeling was the unbridled and very real fear of God. I was keenly aware that everything I had could be taken away in the snap of a finger because the Almighty, all-powerful God was in control. I was seeing my finances leave, my personal safety threatened, our comforts taken away, and God’s protection removed. I was scared. I was on my knees more than once that weekend.
Return to Grace
That same Sunday, after my wallet was given back to me by a police officer, thanks to security footage on my pastor’s cell phone (the church we attend is full of hurting and broken people, like all churches are, but it is visible here), God touched my heart during a specific worship song. I was singing, my hands open, and crying. What an awesome and loving Father we serve, for He had reprimanded me like any father should, and then showed love and mercy on the other side of it. He gently guides, teaches, and builds up.
Hebrews 12:-6
5 … “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;
6 For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”
God had simply reminded me what I already knew, that He is in control, although it is not our right nor within our capabilities to know all there is to know about Him and His plan. We know a lot, more than enough to know for certain that Jesus Christ is His Son and is the Messiah the Old Testament prophesied. We know more than enough to be without excuse.
1 Corinthians 13:12
12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
O you of little faith…
Matthew 8:26
26 But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.
But God was not done with me. After all of this He reminded me of all the miracles He has blessed me with, all the times He had shown me His presence, and all the mercy He had shown to me. It was not lost to me that through this journey of prayer, doubt, and rebuke, that none of these acts of mercy had entered my mind or graced my thoughts. How is that possible? How can we be so pitiful and incompetent with these priceless gifts that have been given to us, namely the grace and forgiveness we receive through Jesus Christ? How can we consistently return to doubt and unbelief when we already know the truth?
Mark 9:24
24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
Our faith is so weak, memories selective, our deserving of deliverance non-existence. Yet He shows up for us, yet He submitted to torture and death by His own creation to save that creation from itself, yet He still, to this day, loves us!
This is a testimony to the power, the sovereignty, and the loving hand of God. Consider it, for just like the events of the Bible, it happened, and it is true. If you need to talk to someone about Jesus or if you are ready to accept Him as your Savior, but aren’t sure how, or if you need a Bible, please contact me.
I leave you with Psalm 38 in its entirety. It is a psalm that reflects the experience of knowing God’s wrath and the fear of Him.
Psalm 38
1 O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your wrath,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure!
2 For Your arrows pierce me deeply,
And Your hand presses me down.
3 There is no soundness in my flesh
Because of Your anger,
Nor any health in my bones
Because of my sin.
4 For my iniquities have gone over my head;
Like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me.
5 My wounds are foul and festering
Because of my foolishness.
6 I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly;
I go mourning all the day long.
7 For my loins are full of inflammation,
And there is no soundness in my flesh.
8 I am feeble and severely broken;
I groan because of the turmoil of my heart.
9 Lord, all my desire is before You;
And my sighing is not hidden from You.
10 My heart pants, my strength fails me;
As for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me.
11 My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,
And my relatives stand afar off.
12 Those also who seek my life lay snares for me;
Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction,
And plan deception all the day long.
13 But I, like a deaf man, do not hear;
And I am like a mute who does not open his mouth.
14 Thus I am like a man who does not hear,
And in whose mouth is no response.
15 For in You, O Lord, I hope;
You will hear, O Lord my God.
16 For I said, “Hear me, lest they rejoice over me,
Lest, when my foot slips, they exalt themselves against me.”
17 For I am ready to fall,
And my sorrow is continually before me.
18 For I will declare my iniquity;
I will be in [d]anguish over my sin.
19 But my enemies are vigorous, and they are strong;
And those who hate me wrongfully have multiplied.
20 Those also who render evil for good,
They are my adversaries, because I follow what is good.
21 Do not forsake me, O Lord;
O my God, be not far from me!
22 Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!
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