15 years of marriage has taught my wife, Caroll, and I a lot about ourselves, our relationships with God, and about life that is happening all around us, all the time. While marriage itself has its eye-opening moments, being in a multi-cultural marriage adds greatly to those benefits.
I am a Caucasian American, and Caroll is a beautiful Latina from Colombia. The cultural differences we’ve each brought into our married lives has made our family and our home richer, wiser, and more compassionate. Differences, however, can cause conflict just as easily as they bring increase.
Everyone who is married brings differences into the new home. Let’s not be naïve about this and assume Caroll and I are experiencing some kind of anomaly because we are from different continents, countries, and cultures (language included). When any two people get married, they are technically bringing in cultural differences.
For example, the newly wed wife may be accustomed to eating dinner at 6 o’clock around the table with all family members present, while the newly wed husband has grown up eating at 5 o’clock in front of the nightly news with whoever showed up that evening. Likewise, we are joining a man and a woman together under the same roof, if you can’t see the differences there yourself there are plenty of books that will explain it.
Stark cultural differences can up the pressure, and if both parties don’t respond with empathy and compassion, then unbearable trouble can cause the house to collapse. Below are some observations we have made over the years about culture and the potential for confrontation, not only in marriage, but also in life.
- Separation
- Conflict
- Domination
- Growth
Separation
The presence of cultural differences in a home do not prelude the existence of separation. If Caroll and I felt that cultures could not be blended, or could not exist together in the same space, we would have a very isolated and unfulfilling marriage. One part of the house would be committed to Colombian décor, Latin music, and sancocho. While my part of the house would be dedicated to US nationalism. We wouldn’t be able to see each other through the blinders of our respective cultures.
Being keenly aware of our tendencies to celebrate our own cultures and histories, we have each embraced each other for who we are and celebrate cultural experiences together, as man and wife. To show my wife that I was dedicated to who she is and that I loved her South American spirit, I painted a huge Colombian flag on the basement wall when we bought our first house together. Reciprocally, Caroll decorates with American flags during the 4th of July. Not because she feels passionate about the 4th, but because she feels passionate about her husband. Right, honey?
Cultural differences often cause us to separate from one another. We want our favorite foods, to listen to the music we like, to dress the way that makes us feel good. All of this naturally draws others with similar tastes together, which in turn makes others feel unwelcome, or even afraid. As believers we must be the individuals who attempt to draw cultures together and make the stranger feel welcome, regardless of class, color, or creed. Read Matthew 25:34-36
Conflict
Cultural clashes can cause conflict to erupt. How would you envision a marriage that existed under the threat of an argument, or even violence, every time a cultural inclination revealed itself? Is this not the very definition of selfishness and sin? We want things our way, to be comfortable in our surroundings at all times, that we drive away anything different and view it as threatening. Fight or flight kicks in, both causing separation, but the former causing conflict as well.
If every time Caroll made delicious Colombian food, like arepas, or plantains, or hogao, and I refused to eat, even reacting violently with the shove of a chair for instance, our marriage would quickly degrade under the burden of fear. Or if salsa music poured from the speakers when I came home, causing me to angrily rush to the power switch on the speaker, feelings of inadequacy would sprout and flourish. If our marriage were able to survive such abuse and belittling it would be an unfulfilling one at best, and a fist in the face of God at worse.
Is it possible to love and honor your spouse, as the Bible says, if we cannot accept and embrace who they are and where they have come from? Can we love our brother unconditionally, like the Bible says, if we cannot appreciate the cultural uniqueness of their home, or neighborhood?
No! We cannot!
If we cannot accept each other’s cultural differences as real and valid (from both sides, obviously), then we cannot say we have the love of God in our hearts. Read 1 John 4:20 if you think I’m being too harsh.
Domination
Finally, one culture cannot dominate the home or the environment. This forces the other to relinquish his or her culture, along with deep seeded feelings of identity, commitment, and love for who they are. Let me show this in an example.
If my wife came home every day to a house whose walls were filled with American flags, framed copies of the Declaration of Independence, posters of American movie and music icons, and Harley-Davidson paraphernalia, along with classic rock n roll constantly pouring loudly from the speakers, she would not feel appreciated or validated in who she was. There would be no room for her, no room for her identity as a Colombian woman, and no room for her to express herself with who she became in the first 25 years of her life as a Colombian. That is tragic.
When we force our culture onto those who surround us, we are causing friction and are being prideful, forsaking humility. James 4:6, along with many Proverbs on the subject, tells us God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Grace can translate to favor, favor to increase, and an increase in anything related to God means peace.
Growth
After reading about separation, conflict, and domination, a clear answer to peace in our home, (and elsewhere, in case you haven’t picked up on the underlying implications of this writing, for it reaches far beyond marriage), you might have recognized the solution for peace, happiness, and love in a multi-cultural marriage. You might have also thought of some benefits of two cultures being unified.
When two cultures blend, making room for one another while embracing their roots, a space is created for God to do wonderful things. We learn from one another, instead of insisting on our own way. We grow together, instead of maintaining a wall of separation. We create newness, instead of resisting change.
Because Caroll and I have blended our lives, our hearts, our cultures, and our love we have seen all these things and more. We have children who speak multiple languages and who have been introduced to and embrace multiple cultures in different parts of the world. We have created culinary masterpieces, combining my love for garlic and her love for cilantro. We have introduced each other to new things and experiences we would have missed out on while we were on this side of God’s creation.
When I look back on our marriage, I am not so proud that I cannot see the reason for the miracle that is our 15 years together. Our marriage, through the grace and love of God, has slowly been built onto His foundation. He has allowed us to accept one another and helped us see clearly so we could make decisions that were beneficial to our marriage instead of harmful. He has given us His Holy Spirit who promises peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, love, gentleness, joy and self-control. Even though we may struggle in the battle against self and selfishness, for we are still human, we have God on our side.
We have a marriage that has been re-dedicated to Him, to serve Him, no matter what. Our multi-cultural marriage reflects Jesus’s love for everyone, invites us to be reminded of His desire for all to be saved, form every country, every social class, every color, every race, and every culture.
Thank you for visiting Sing Write Read, where you will find all of Chris’ works in music, blogging, fiction and non-fiction. Don’t forget to sign up for our email list while you are here!
Great materials and support for your marriage can be found at Focus on the Family. Caroll and I listen to their podcasts, use their materials, and they even have great biblical materials for our kids. Check them out at:
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