I fell in love at the age of 25. It was the first love I’d known, the first girl I really cared about since I was a teenager. From the day I met her I pursued her, not in any righteous manner, but I wanted a relationship with her. She was beautiful, very beautiful, and fun. To spend the rest of my life with this woman would have taken commitment and courage, leadership on my part and ambition. I had none of that to offer. I left.
I had already decided that I would never marry by that time. Being tied down was not my style. Adventure and the unfamiliar were what I was about, even though the isolation and loneliness of that lifestyle drove me to despair and a desire for death more than once. In this condition, even if God wanted to bless me with a wife, I would not have seen it. I was living a life that pursued sin and I was outside of God’s will, meaning I would never know the blessings He had for me.
Six years later, I crossed paths with this woman, and she became my wife. I was 30 years old. Look at how our marriage lined up with God’s plan:
- Having one partner – We both had known multiple sexual partners
- Marrying young – Both of us were 30 years old when we married
- Having children – We intended not to have children
- Sex is to be enjoyed – There was a lot of baggage in our sex life
After we got married, we moved to southern Illinois, where I was saved at 34 years old. Getting involved in the church, I have been blessed to witness several marriages between godly families where the bride and the groom stood in front of each other purely, as virgins. One couple, I know for sure, had not even kissed another person of the opposite sex before. They shared their first kiss at the altar! I also know many other couples who fall into this category.
How I long to have what they have!
What they have is beautiful and pure. Together they have something no one else in the world can make a claim to, each other and their bodies, intimate knowledge of each other, no sacrifices made on the altar of sexual desire and promiscuity.
My wife and I will never have that, but thanks to the grace of God a multitude of sins is covered by love, His love. We have healed and have come into deep intimacy with each other, but the journey was not easy.
Sexual and Emotional Baggage
The bottom line is that when my wife and I got married we had brought a lot of baggage into our marriage, emotional baggage, sexual baggage, and a spiritual deficit.
By marrying late and knowing other partners, we brought ideas about what the opposite sex likes from those experiences into our bed. Instead of getting to know our spouse intimately and sexually, we assumed they wanted the same things as others. We give them something we have already given to something else. In other words, it’s already used. There is nothing pure about something that has been used already.
During sex memories of past partners infected our minds and distracted us from true oneness with each other, which is literally committing adultery while in the arms of your spouse. Even much later in our marriage the heavy luggage of the past appeared on the circular conveyor belt of this hellish baggage claim. Betrayal was felt, suspicions were cast, and the former pursuits of this world and the ways of sin had threatened what God had intended for good once again.
Marrying Late and Almost Missing Out
Getting married late led us to the decision not to have children. We both were so self-centered and fixed on our life course that we chose to focus on our careers and personal interests and hobbies instead. Thank God, through the same incident He used to bring me to Him, He led us to have our two kids. There is no greater blessing on this side of heaven, aside from the gift of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, that compares to family.
God’s Way is the Right Way
My wife and I have been married for 17 years. I can honestly say that when we make love there is no other sexual experience that can be more satisfying or take its place. It is beautiful, romantic, pleasurable, and very intimate. Knowing what I know now, I can say without doubt that monogamous sex within marriage, one that starts in purity at the altar of marriage, is the best path. It is not a surprise to learn this later in life, that God’s way, what He says in His Word, is the best way.
I’d like to say I wish I could go back in time and change my behavior and marry my wife at a younger age, refusing to be a rebel and a loner, forsaking the sexual path I followed, but I can’t say that. The variables in a child’s life are extremely influential. The situations I found myself in, almost always involving trusted adults, led me to view life through a lens that was worldly and not godly. Once I reached adolescent age, I thrust myself into the open arms of the world and pursued what I was taught as a child. It has become a disease that has infected me to this day; literally, a thorn on the flesh. I was on a path to destruction, and I believe God rescued me from it, many times, before I was saved at the age of 34.
Parents, I beg this of you; guard the hearts and minds of your kids. They are not ready for sex, sexual encounters, or sex education in their developmental years. This pursuit is too much of a burden for young minds and bodies. I know it is difficult, but you need to fight for your kids. You need to be the one who is making decisions on your children’s behalf, and not letting the world or our culture dictate to you the decisions you should be allowing. The world is the wolf, your kids are the sheep. That makes YOU the shepherd. Show your kids the path to sexual purity, encourage it, and fight like a madman against any foe that brings perversion to your door.
Read part 2 of how sobriety remains important and possible in my life.
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